Oh yay – Thanksgiving is over and it’s time to bring out the Elf on the Shelf. Dammit.
Our Elf is on year four – or maybe five I believe. I get the concept and I thought it would be fun to do – but here’s the thing..
1. It’s a pain in the ass to play this game.
2. If I may, my kids don’t ever misbehave..because they are weird. I know. So the elf is pretty much not required except as a game..so please refer back to #1
and 3. When we bought the Elf – it was a hard to find item at small gift shops and online….NOW it is at the Wal-Mart check-out lane. WTF? My kids are like – why are there Elves at Target! I thought Santa sent him. And I’m like – those are FAKE ELVES TRYING TO STEAL CHRISTMAS WITH THE ZOMBIES!
Seriously how can we fool our kids into believing this Elf was sent by Santa to watch them if we put him first on the conveyor at Target. It’s like lying to your kids isn’t even sacred anymore! I believe the Elves should be kept behind the counter with the cigarettes, condoms and sudafed. Right?
Anyway, since I cannot even remember my children’s names there is no way I can remember to move and care for a plastic elf each season. Last year I lost it after FOUR days he sat in one spot and the total gig was up.
The Elf’s days are numbered. In the meantime I’ve resurrected the poem I wrote last year about our Elf on the Shelf.
Dear Santa I failed
I have to admit
I can’t care for another
Even one that just sits
I have set him on fire
I have dropped him on his head
But he keeps coming back
It seems each year from the dead
My girls wait for his coming
How he moves through the air
And each morning I say
“Ah f*ck” he’s still there
See all part of the game
Is finding him each day
In his brand new spot
To watch my girls play
But because I am lazy and
I suck at this game
I forget to move him
Now my kids think he’s lame
So I move him when I can
When they all turn their backs
I am so magical that way
They think I am whacked
Or perhaps while
They were at school he did walk
And though Astrid did see me do it
I thank god she can’t talk
So dear Santa I say
I don’t care whose been good
The elf needs to stop haunting
My quiet neighborhood
I have too much to do
This game is quite dumb
My kids are too smart
My brain old and numb
I know people are rich
From this stupid charade
You have nothing to do with it
The parents this elf has played
But please end the madness
Can we all kill our elves?
And take Christmas back
and rely on goodness ourselves
